Life can prove interesting at times. We make choices. Then we try and deal with the consequences. Sometimes we wish really really hard that we didn’t make that choice. But too bad. We can’t take it back. Sometimes we try and fix that bad choice. Also goes bad many times.

But really. Was it a bad choice? Can you really call any choice good or bad?

At the time we do or say something, we are in a particular place in our lives, in our mind, well you get the idea. Similar for me is the idea of saying sorry and/or feeling guilty/contrite about something. I’ve thought about it and I don’t say “I’m sorry” very often. It isn’t that I’m happy with the choice or the outcome but I did what I did at the time and I probably thought it was the right thing to do or my emotions were stronger and something came out I didn’t want to come out. Society would like to have us in our niche though. Most people are trained to say “I’m sorry” without even thinking about it. How many times have you heard someone say that but either they felt compelled to do so or it was really not sincere? Then it becomes even worse they said anything at all.

Don’t get me wrong. I feel guilty. And that guilt is what usually drives me to try and not make that same mistake again. Introspection can be a damn handy tool. Why did I do what I did? What did I say such a thing? What was I feeling at the time? A nifty book I’ve handed out a few times is by Pema Chodron called Comfortable with Uncertainty. Not an ‘easy’ read. Many times I could only make it through one paragraph before my mind was forced to start thinking about. Stupid brain and wanting to think.

Back to choices.

I’ve made some choices in the past year that I sometimes wish I could change. The way I’ve dealt with some people just didn’t go like I expected. I know I’m not a normal type of friend or even a normal type of person for that matter. I say and do things that are unexpected. In other ways I’m glad for those ‘bad’ choices. They have opened up new avenues of thinking, sometimes shocking me to reevaluate ideas I thought I had given up on.

At one point in life I really wanted to have kids. In between not so much. Then back again. Maybe with the right person. Ok maybe not completely back but for those that saw me in my “no way in hell” phase, even maybe is a far different tone.

More choices in trying to figure out who I am and what I’m trying to do in life. I’ve been told the mark of a person is what they leave behind, the positive changes they made and lots of bullshit like that. Really? Who said I have to leave any mark other than… this? I can sure be greedy at times. I think I used to be a good and nice person. Now I think I’m just nice. Good is gone and Greed is good. Is being selfish bad? I don’t think so. I like to sleep. I like to travel. I like to enjoy time off. I would like to get my bills paid off before I start working of accumulating more. When did selfish become a bad word. What’s wrong with wanting to take care of my needs and wants? Do I have to put the desires of others before myself? Nope, not in my current state. Unfortunately, I also want to meet someone and if that someone turned out to be someone I want kids with… greed and selfishness are going to have to find new homes.

Well that’s enough SOC-1 for now. And no science geeks. This isn’t a new gene, at least one that I’m not aware of. There might be one in the future though. I’ll keep an eye out and in good american fashion sue them because I wrote it down here first!

Time to step off my soapbox and get back to figuring out my life.

-Nirav-