As always, I want comments and feedback if anyone wants to leave me any. Helps me to know if anyone is reading.

Definitions from Merriam Webster online:

du·al·ism noun ˈdü-ə-ˌli-zəm also ˈdyü-: Definition of DUALISM that I’m trying to using: the quality or state of being dual or of having a dual nature

di·chot·o·my noun dī-ˈkä-tə-mē also də-: Definitions of DICHOTOMY that I’m trying to using: 1: a division into two especially mutually exclusive or contradictory groups or entities; also : the process or practice of making such a division; 4: something with seemingly contradictory qualities

What is this rambling about? As usual it just takes something going on in my life for me to throw my thoughts to the universe.

Philanthropy: phi·lan·thro·py noun fə-ˈlan(t)-thrə-pē: a : an act or gift done or made for humanitarian purposes.

Yup. Giving stuff away. I’ve had several situations come up recently and I’m interested in how I acted/reacted to them. I find that in some circumstances I can donate something and not think twice about it but the majority of the time I can’t just leave it alone.

I like the La Montañita Co-op. Great idea of using local community resources. Price isn’t always the cheapest but the idea is to get better quality and more sustainability. That whole saving the earth and more important, saving ourselves thing. Do we want more colony collapse? I’m slowly getting my body into a better state of health. It’s not that I slip with my food choices. I know full well what I’m shoving into my pie hole. I choose to do it anyway because it’s probably very yummy. I still wanted a way to show them my support. Instead of donating (if I even could) money, I chose to go for a membership. Give them some money and get something back. Damn. There goes the pure heart of philanthropy I was trying to aim for. I wanted to get something back. It makes me feel better like I’m not wasting my money. I’m still pondering the implications with the added knowledge that I haven’t actually bought a single item from the place yet and now I have a lifetime membership.

My next dilemma. The biopark society. I think I want to go every so often to see what’s new and take my time looking around. No need to rush through from a single ticket purchased. I think it’s great to have a zoo, aquarium and botanical gardens. Same kind of deal. I want to donate money but don’t want it do disappear into the ether. I’m looking at renewing my membership and looking at all the goody perks I can get depending on the level I’ll be joining. Regular tickets for the summer concerts are $10. That’s it. But I’m giddy at the thought of only getting them for $5 with my membership. And not just myself. If other people are going I can get their tickets for the same price. And of course the free concerts and unlimited admissions.

Here’s the thing though. Is it wrong or bad to want value for the money spent? I supported the symphony with season tickets even if they went bankrupt and I never got to use my last few ones (not bitter at all.. grumble grumble). Now we have the philharmonic that I try to catch when I can. Donate money? Sure thinking about it since tickets alone don’t cover the cost. And then there was the debacle with the Natural History Museum. What a nightmare! I bought a basic membership spur of the moment not realizing what else they had to offer. When I wanted to upgrade it was a hassle. I tried contacting the right person and no one in the office ever got back to me. I ended up cancelling my membership and asking for a refund because the customer service was the worst I think I’ve ever run across that I can remember. No one even tried to contact me to ask me my problem or try to work on a solution even after I explained everything. I wanted to donate money but they made it so difficult I told them they lost a small benefactor. And they still didn’t care! It makes me NOT want to donate to others. But here we go again. Couldn’t I have just done it… donated… without wanting something back?

Crap. Therein lies the crux of the problem and getting to my beginning.

I feel like two people sometimes. I want to donate and help but I feel what I think are greed and want inside. I’m still trying to figure this out. I’m not a millionaire that I can just let money go with that much ease. I want something back for my ‘purchase’ but still feel guilty about it.

Alas, I shall live in this quagmire of thoughts and continue as is until I have something decided. Give and donate when it doesn’t seem to tickle my wants and at other times indulge in a purchase that is both giving and receiving at the same time. I didn’t win the lottery tonight although it peeved me how close the numbers were on some of the tickets. No extra special philanthropy tonight for me.

As I’m fond of this phrase:

Stick a fork in me I’m done.

Santa’s Fallen Angel