Tag Archives: dating

female cowardice

by

0

I am both saddened and elated to have had another guy confirm this afternoon my own experiences with female cowardice. This happened at the grocery store of all places. He noted that I was buying a lot and that I must be the cook in the family. I returned that while I enjoy cooking, this wasn’t all for me. He then, without prompting, lamented about his recent experience with a text breakup, lucky guy. He seemed in his late 20’s/early 30’s.

I’m talking about dating and the apparent immaturity and/or lack of communication skills in a wide age range of women.

Some time recently I had met someone once for brunch and I thought things had gone well and we even made plans for a second outing. Alas, she backed out claiming fatigue from medication. I tried again the next day to communicate. No returned phone call or messages. No problem. People are working and busy and just give it some time. And yes, I’m still this naive. As seems the norm to me in the modern, and older, woman in this case, the method of lack/loss of interest is the silent treatment.  Now I’m presuming this person lost interest. In truth yes, they may have met someone that very evening and was swept off their feet or got scared with a ‘younger’ man or ran away to join the circus, hopefully not because of me, but I find those options unlikely. Not being interested is not my issue. If it was that easy, people might want to date instead of dreading it.

But why this behavior? I just don’t get it and it makes me a little angry. It’s not even a face to face rejection/let down. That’s a real adult and mature situation. In an age of text messaging and online sharing people seem to be less connected and more impersonal. The online dating process by itself is based on pictures and words and written conversation until they choose to take it to the phone or a meeting. What is so challenging about even saying “Thanks but not interested” by an online or phone message? The only thing less impersonal that I can think of is this silent treatment these women are so fond of. Perhaps their experience with this growing up leads them to think it’s an appropriate adult behavior.

I still can’t believe that I’m coming to terms with the idea that where once I would have become angry with a text message response, I would relish some form of communication, even a text message. Do these women lack so much in their lives that a simple very impersonal confrontation is beyond their coping/life skills? I had hoped in the past that it was reserved to a certain age group of women and that I would be fortunate with someone older and more mature to be able to handle open and honest communication. Alas, again, I have been proven wrong. I do not believe most men in general are wells of confidence overflowing thinking they are gods gift upon the earth. We carry fears as well. Is this a general female method or specific to the women I, and the gentleman at the store although he got a text message, have had the unfortunate luck to meet. I can only hope for this to be a specific group.

These experiences have not been without benefit however. They have weeded themselves out. Not only have they saved me time, money and effort, it reinforces my belief that a quality woman is that much rarer and should be treasured. It brings up the notions: One man’s junk is another man’s treasure and Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some men might not want an intelligent and confident woman. This one seemed fine. Attractive, traveled, educated and teaching at the university but taking time for research, not an easy task. During the one meeting she seemed confident in herself. Perhaps misdirection and deception are skills while practiced by magicians might be second nature to women who may have had to learn these behaviors growing up to deal with other women or previous men in their lives.

Mars and Venus continue to be unaligned and I continue to remain baffled.

-SFA

 

EDIT: Unsaid but true, men are not immune to this issue as well. I am not immune to this issue and something to work on.

male simplicity, n=1, part 1 of ?

by

2

  1. *****
  2. it’s ok to ask a guy out. you’re not a slut if you do. i personally find it sexy.
  3. if i’m seeing you and continue to do so, i’m attracted to you. if i’m not, then i’ll say something.
  4. if you aren’t attracted that’s ok. just say so. my momma said i’m a big boy now. don’t just stop calling or emailing as your method of communicating. besides just being utterly rude, that’s low-class. while it would be nice of you to do this in person to show that you are mature and can handle an adult relationship, a phone call is still ok. that still takes a lot of balls for a lot of women. a text message or email isn’t ok. here’s a tip. be honest. i actually want to know why. it helps me to grow as a person.
  5. just because i haven’t tried to kiss you or get you into bed in the first two or three dates doesn’t mean i don’t want to. see #3. sometimes there are more important things in meeting someone.
  6. if you consider me opening a door or giving you my arm archaic and it bothers you, i think we’re done.
  7. big girl panties don’t have to be granny panties. they can be that lacy thing you picked up to make you feel stronger and more sexy. self-confidence in women, not the same as arrogance, can be very alluring.
  8. if you think me paying on the first date robs you of some special female power, i think we’re done. if you want to split the bill to not feel ‘obligated’ to anything, fine by me. if you think there will be a date two, i can pay first and you can offer to pay second if you want.
  9. i don’t have the time or energy or frankly the desire to plan each and every outing. if you need an alpha male to control your world, i think we’re done. if there is something you want to do, say so. if we’re swapping turns, thinking about planning it out too.
  10. i’m flexible in my thinking. it might come across as indecisive at times. i probably would be happy with indian or italian or greek or mexican or american or whatever as long as it isn’t something i don’t like but i may be able to find something i can eat at that place. if you don’t really care, i can pick something. if you do care, say something. if you don’t say anything then, don’t bring it back up in a week as a ‘problem’. i will either have forgotten or i may be bothered that you may not have good interpersonal skills. that is a problem.
  11. actually try and bring up problems as they occur in real-time. i might even be able to say why i said or did something that might make more sense to you and clear things up before things get out of hand. we teach parents to discipline/punish their kids at the moment of an incident, not hours later, “when dad gets home”. they may not remember what happened or what they were thinking at the time. then they feel like they are getting punished for no good reason. men sometimes feel the same way.
  12. maybe people are more flexible to being changed when they are younger. i have a better idea of what i want and don’t want with someone. lying about yourself or what you want isn’t going to help. it’s going to hurt. then i won’t trust you. that’s bad. i value honesty. if i believe you care about me, then i’ll try and hold that in mind. maybe you are telling me something to help me out. that’s good.

basically you can boil this down to the one listed below. it’s even simpler. ready for it?

#1: be honest and open with your communication to me and with yourself.

simple but challenging for most people. miscommunication sucks. try this open and honest route. it saves time and energy on both sides. if you get angry at what someone told you, stop. they can’t make you angry. you made yourself angry. take a look inside for a moment and see if you can figure out why. it might be you.

Hoping to have a bag of presents at any apocalypse,

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

 

Agapeopsis

by

2

Thanatos – death

Agápe – true love, not eros or philia

Opsis – sight

Thanatopsis, translated as meditation on death. The title of a poem by Bryant

Agapeopsis, meditation on true love?

Yup. That’s right. That’s my word. The dictionary people can’t hog them all. I’ve checked google and bing. If it doesn’t show up on a search it much not exist in the world. So I’ve now created it.

So what am I talking about.

True love right? Of course you and I already know everything there is about this. What was that? You fell off the chair while spewing your drink out of your nose. Wear a harness next time. Perhaps we don’t know as much as we thought. And I probably understand even less than that.

Getting back into the dating scene I’ve rejoined online sites and they all seem to want to know about past loves and how many times in love and do you want love. The more I think about it, the less I think I even know. For the longest time I would answer “Yes, I’ve been in love. I want love. I love falling in love.” With my ex Natalie I thought I had it all. The moment and I mean that literally, I saw her at my door I fell for her. Done and done. She had heard I didn’t have a blanket and it was going to be cold. She brought me her extra. Seriously. How awesome. And while I’ve heard otherwise from people, I think she was smoking hot. I remember times I told her I loved her. I would hope she would say the same back. Ups and downs for almost two years. Joyous highs and painful lows. Together and broken up and together again. With all my love I even spontaneously asked her to marry me at one point. I should have realized things were set to fail when after all our time together she couldn’t spell my last name. I digress.

But still, what is love? Is it physical? Our heart beats faster, flushing occurs, blood surges, leaving some parts and rushing to others parts of the body that might be umm needed sooner or later. The mind locks on target to that one person. But that’s just for our partner. I remember full well just how stupid I could become when I was with her. We have powerful chemicals that roll around our brains, neurons firing like crazy. Crazy like our emotions can be and powerful the way it can push aside logical rational thinking.

You also love your siblings and your children and parents and some people love possessions and non-live material items. I was going to say inanimate, but technology already changed that one. We’re supposed to love all these people right? Isn’t it an instinct? Then why do people beat their children, hate their siblings and wish to leave their wonderful loving family as soon as they can get some shoes on, maybe even before that.

In loving, we want good for someone. We want them to succeed and prosper. We want to provide a better future to them than we had ourselves. If you are jealous of the sibling that had a chance and took it and prospered, do you really love them? If you envy their possessions or life, that isn’t love to me.

We see love in the proud parent that never finished middle school now seeing their child graduate college. The joy and flow of emotions and tears can be overwhelming not just for them, but as well for those of us watching them. It’s palpable. It’s visceral. To the core we might be moved. What about the parent that is thinking how wonderful it is now that their child has finished college that they will be able to get a good job and have a good life so they can take care of the parents when they get older. That sounds selfish to me.

Love seems like a balancing act. One moment you want good for someone, the next you want to be the one going on the vacation that they are going on and cursing them for not taking you. They left you with a crappy life, a horrible spouse, rotten screaming kids and massive bills. If you are trying to fill a void within yourself, try at the basic level of filling it with love of yourself.

How about this idea. One that I’ve cultivated in myself and hope others agree with as well.

Love is an extension of our self.

That’s it.

Really. That’s it.

When I think about those that I choose to love I have what I think is a central theme.

We sacrifice our wants and needs for another.

The sacrifice? Could it be this simple?

The parent seeing their child finish something, sacrificed their self to further their child. Maybe it was not being home much to earn a living and feeling guilty you weren’t around often.

Seeing your parent overcome an obstacle they were facing because you sacrificed your time and energy to help them.

Staying up late or getting up early to make dinner and breakfast for the love your life because they have a job interview or presentation they are nervous about.

Who can say what is a small or large sacrifice.

One hour of sleep gone while you drive around searching for the craving of your pregnant wife.

Holding the hair of your girlfriend as she pukes her guts into the toilet so she doesn’t get it dirty.

Working a thankless low paying job to put your son through college so he can have a better life than one you are living.

Finding yourself in a place in life where you can’t take care of yourself and you put your child up for adoption. With all the pain of leaving them and the joy in the dream that they will have a better life.

Maybe it’s because valentines was just around the corner and equally so for my own personal situation but this is a life lesson and a life struggle that has been present and will continue to be a part of me. I continue to believe that I’m not a good person but I try and be a nice person.

“When I love myself I sacrifice for me. When I love others I give of myself.” -Nirav 2/18/13 18:30

-Santa’s Fallen Angel