Tag Archives: Games

male simplicity, n=1, part 1 of ?

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  1. *****
  2. it’s ok to ask a guy out. you’re not a slut if you do. i personally find it sexy.
  3. if i’m seeing you and continue to do so, i’m attracted to you. if i’m not, then i’ll say something.
  4. if you aren’t attracted that’s ok. just say so. my momma said i’m a big boy now. don’t just stop calling or emailing as your method of communicating. besides just being utterly rude, that’s low-class. while it would be nice of you to do this in person to show that you are mature and can handle an adult relationship, a phone call is still ok. that still takes a lot of balls for a lot of women. a text message or email isn’t ok. here’s a tip. be honest. i actually want to know why. it helps me to grow as a person.
  5. just because i haven’t tried to kiss you or get you into bed in the first two or three dates doesn’t mean i don’t want to. see #3. sometimes there are more important things in meeting someone.
  6. if you consider me opening a door or giving you my arm archaic and it bothers you, i think we’re done.
  7. big girl panties don’t have to be granny panties. they can be that lacy thing you picked up to make you feel stronger and more sexy. self-confidence in women, not the same as arrogance, can be very alluring.
  8. if you think me paying on the first date robs you of some special female power, i think we’re done. if you want to split the bill to not feel ‘obligated’ to anything, fine by me. if you think there will be a date two, i can pay first and you can offer to pay second if you want.
  9. i don’t have the time or energy or frankly the desire to plan each and every outing. if you need an alpha male to control your world, i think we’re done. if there is something you want to do, say so. if we’re swapping turns, thinking about planning it out too.
  10. i’m flexible in my thinking. it might come across as indecisive at times. i probably would be happy with indian or italian or greek or mexican or american or whatever as long as it isn’t something i don’t like but i may be able to find something i can eat at that place. if you don’t really care, i can pick something. if you do care, say something. if you don’t say anything then, don’t bring it back up in a week as a ‘problem’. i will either have forgotten or i may be bothered that you may not have good interpersonal skills. that is a problem.
  11. actually try and bring up problems as they occur in real-time. i might even be able to say why i said or did something that might make more sense to you and clear things up before things get out of hand. we teach parents to discipline/punish their kids at the moment of an incident, not hours later, “when dad gets home”. they may not remember what happened or what they were thinking at the time. then they feel like they are getting punished for no good reason. men sometimes feel the same way.
  12. maybe people are more flexible to being changed when they are younger. i have a better idea of what i want and don’t want with someone. lying about yourself or what you want isn’t going to help. it’s going to hurt. then i won’t trust you. that’s bad. i value honesty. if i believe you care about me, then i’ll try and hold that in mind. maybe you are telling me something to help me out. that’s good.

basically you can boil this down to the one listed below. it’s even simpler. ready for it?

#1: be honest and open with your communication to me and with yourself.

simple but challenging for most people. miscommunication sucks. try this open and honest route. it saves time and energy on both sides. if you get angry at what someone told you, stop. they can’t make you angry. you made yourself angry. take a look inside for a moment and see if you can figure out why. it might be you.

Hoping to have a bag of presents at any apocalypse,

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

 

shock and awe campaign

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this week has been such an incredible roller coaster ride. and i haven’t thrown up once.

the email break up monday and feeling lost in my own mind partially from the sense of betrayal from the lack of communication and the lack of closure.

the long hours at work trying to hold onto the idea of why i got into this.

wondering if happiness with someone else is out there or even matters anymore next to making sure i’m happy in my life.

Then remembering today the biggest and most important lesson i can think of at this time.

i am me.

i am tired of the games in relationships and in other aspects of life that people feel some sick and twisted need to play.

the chasing and all that bullshit. fuck that.

i will not be goaded again into feeling guilty. my soapbox still stands that we choose how to feel. you can not make me feel a certain way. and people have to start taking responsibility for their actions or i will let the consequences happen. if i offer to do something, i do not want but need and expect to be met at least half way. i will not carry the burden by myself. that’s a choice. that’s a reality. what was i thinking letting myself get walked over all this time. will it continue to be a character trait or as i see it now, a character flaw. i’m not talking about letting go of chivalry. just giving a damn about something more.

if the recommendation is to try and lose this nice guy person, congratulations. it’s working. this is not anger or bitterness. this is cold truth. i need to start meaning more to myself. i need to remember to be #1 in my own life and to be honest to myself about my life. why did i stop going to movies and restaurants by myself if there was no one around.

i feel more lost than ever but not emotionally from the breakup. this is straight up spiritual. who am i and what the hell do i want in life. i have been and always will me my harshest critic. it’s hard to feel beat up by someone when you can punish yourself this much. something that has served me well throughout my life. i think that’s why i love and crave feedback. i want to learn and grow. i want to better understand myself. perhaps that’s why i value honesty so much and become so upset and angry when others don’t. there is too much cowardice in people these days.

*yes claire, it’s time to put on the communication pin*

perhaps it’s time to starting attacking life more forcefully. stop being so passive and fight for myself. at home, at work, in relationships and just about any and every other part of life.

this sense of, i think, justice is feeling very cathartic. in my life i try and hold no regrets except for one that i chose to hold onto as a ‘learning moment’ to help guide future actions.  it was a moment of indecision brought on by my fear of what others thought and i potentially missed a pivotal moment in life to obtain something wonderful. my carpe diem moment that has haunted me. i think i just let it go to. after all these years, the act of letting that point in time go and stop using it as an anchor to the past feels freeing to me. i think i can take that next step forward.

the future is ahead. there is no stopping it. but instead of riding it passively like a wave, it’s time to try and forge ahead, pushing the boundaries, making myself uncomfortable at times while i try and discover who i need to become in this phase of my self-growth.

i’m on a campaign to take back control of my life and i ain’t taking no prisoners.

-step aside peter. Santa’s Fallen Angel is storming the gates of christmastown –

Honesty or the version that best looks like it

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Please feel free to leave comments. Something you say may just open up someone else’s mind, a gift that keeps giving.

Merriam Webster Definition of HONESTY

1 obsolete : chastity
2a: fairness and straightforwardness of conduct
2b: adherence to the facts : sincerity
3: any of a genus (Lunaria) of European herbs of the mustard family with toothed leaves and flat disk-shaped siliques

So today I will be talking about herbs of the mustard family and how we can eat things like dandelions and chia seeds to enhance our lives. Or maybe I’m not and will try 2a/2b since I’ve never eaten a dandelion and never even owned a chia pet or eaten chia seeds.

So. Honesty. The don’t lie to me version instead.

Why do we even lie to begin with? I know some of my reasons. An acceptable lie being “of course no one is at your house to scare the bejesus out of you for your birthday.” Another would be “nope. no one here pointing a gun at me. you should probably just leave anyway.” I think I would completely say those things and be just fine. The #1 reason though being Fear. Good ole’ fashion Fear. That’s right with a capital F (not capitol since this isn’t a building). The kind of fear like when you’re a med student/resident and you’re getting pimped and you’re so exhausted you can’t think straight and when you’re asked a question you just make up the answer. Ironically, while I’ve been accused of this as a resident, I never did it. I gave the best information I had with full knowledge that I didn’t know very much. No reason to lie. Even as a med student I didn’t need to. I think my years in EMS taught me a little more self-confidence in dealing with ‘doctors’. My first ED rotation as an intern got me an interesting evaluation with some of the attendings thinking that I was overconfident, probably not knowing my EMS background lending to my confidence and comfort in the ER. I digress.

Have I lied in fear before. You betcha. I used to worry a lot more about what people thought of me and what consequences would be based on x y and z. Fits the modern idea of Politics. That maneuvering we associate these days with backstabbing and lying and doing whatever it takes to get what you want even if it involves going back on the things you’ve just said you will do or believe in. What’s a little lie now if it gets you what you want. You can blame someone else later. Eventually I realized I didn’t really care so much. Just do what I’m doing the best that I can and if I can go home with a clear conscience and sleep well, I’m doing alright. Now don’t get some idea that life became better and angels started singing. They were probably laughing their asses off at me. Actually, do angels have asses? Do you crap in heaven? I don’t remember that being addressed in the bible. Squirrel! (for those of you that get the joke)

I wonder if I’ve just offended anyone? Those were honest questions weren’t they? Brings up the notion of ‘too honest’ as I hear it. Truth is truth isn’t it? How could it be more truthful? We’re not talking about a white lie or lie of omission.

Anyway, these days most people who know me know that I just answer the question if you ask it. You might really hate the answer so you have to be very careful asking it. They answer might also be, “None of your damn business”. That’s still an answer in my book. You really want to know how you look in those jeans or just want someone to lie to you and stroke your ego? I’ll tell you if they are too small… if you ask me. Maybe too honest would be just offering my opinion without being asked. Food for thought.

What do I have to fear in life right now that I need to worry about the need of a lie? I’m single and have no real ties to anything. Am I worried I might get fired? Not really. I can go back to Locums or move and find a new job. Onto the next instance.

How many times in a relationship, the couple type, has there been a problem because someone just didn’t tell the truth. Isn’t the basic mantra that the media portrays is to tell the truth. Be honest. Don’t lie to loved ones. But how many people really want the truth? No seriously. You ask for it. You say you want someone to tell you like it is. But when someone does you get really upset and that “you hurt my feelings.” You’re right. I took my mechanical pencil and stabbed you in the feelings. I think it’s located about 2 cm above and 1 cm to the right of the belly button. Or I used my jedi/ninja mind control abilities and made you feel something you didn’t want to or these weren’t the right droids. Perhaps you chose to feel the way you wanted to feel. You chose to become hurt. I’ve said her name before. Check her out. Pema Chodron. It won’t be the last.

We interpret what people say to us and we choose how we want to react to said people. When I say something that pisses someone off from something misinterpreted, the first thing I usually ask them, if they are still even listening, is if it is something they would think I would do or say. If the answer is yes. Game over. Nothing will work at that point. But if the answer is no then I simply ask you to reevaluate what you thought and your response and see where it is coming from inside of you. There are plenty of times we may snap at someone because we had one really shitty day (or a string of them) and we just lost it in that moment. I’ve done it and you’ve done it. That’s reality. Now flip that thought. Someone just snapped at you and tried to take a big fuckin’ chunk out of your ass. Do you choose to get pissed right back for that small sliver in time you just went through or do you wonder if they had a really shitty day and just lost it in that moment and give them the smallest chance that they didn’t mean it. Once again, don’t take this too far. I’m not Jesus. I don’t always turn the other cheek. Once may be an accident, more is probably a habit. Also, there are gradations in life. Stress and worrying are relatives in the scheme of things. For the most part I don’t worry that the bus is going to explode or someone is going to suicide bomb in my grocery store. I don’t worry about shellings or being assassinated. I generally don’t worry about my skin color or citizenship. I have food. I have clothing. I have shelter. And I have companionship on those days I want it. My stress and worrying just don’t really even tip the scales from a global perspective.

Well, I’ve gotten off topic but that’s a good thing. It reminds me that I need to get to sleep. So good night.

Yours Truly,

Santa’s Fallen Angel