Tag Archives: home

Home

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Is it truly where the heart is?

I thought it was simply a four (or less) chambered organ to pump blood around my body. who knew things were otherwise. Perhaps if the organ is removed and placed separately the home changes. Eww. Thinking about a heart transplant with something mechanical. If your old heart is somewhere else are you then never able to have a home again?

Some people take the time to make a home with someone else. Do the old ones become obsolete? Are they destroyed? Did they even exist to begin with?

People ask me, “Where is home?” Do we have to have one? If I’m “homeless” by choice or circumstances what then do I answer? “Nowhere?”

I have lived in a house for many years but I wouldn’t call it the home that I am referring to. I still have things in boxes from when I moved in. I never felt the want to set them out. Am I homeless inside a house? My mind is reeling. Ok not really from this but I did take some cough medicine last week and I’ll use that as the simulated analogy of my head spinning.

Perhaps I’m just a free spirit with loans and a mortgage, ready at a moments notice (and several months of cleaning and packing) to pick up and go to a new great adventure. A home, a thing for others to indulge in.

This intangible home thing/idea is so elusive. If you are with someone and still don’t feel at home, does that portend ill things for the future of the relationship?

Ah the late writings of a tired mind as I reflect on my life, where it was, where I think it is and where it could be.

In the end I think home is when you go somewhere and don’t want to be there anymore and long to be in that other place. The one where you feel more comfortable and relaxed. Hopefully it’s also the same place where you usually live and with the people you may be living with.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

cost and effect, part 2

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Return of the Money Pit

Value has its own place as a general concept but it’s hard sometimes to see why people do what they do or choose what they choose.

As a general idea/concept I can understand why we buy/obtain more than we need. I get it. You see or hear about something nice or cool and you just want it. But the part that I have trouble with is why ‘we’ buy/obtain things that we can’t afford. In same cases that is literal. You live paycheck to paycheck yet you upgrade your phone every chance you get. I am not advocating or saying that you can’t spend the money how you please but I think I don’t want to hear anymore that something else, probably more important and vital in my perception can’t be had because the money isn’t there.

Do you really need to spend $90/month on internet/cable? How about upwards of $200+/month on internet/cable/phone?

A new car every few years? The fancy car getting 15mpg when you could be driving one for half the cost and twice the mpg? Another coach/gucci purse because well because.

This also applies to eating out a lot, though sometimes one could argue you could save money by eating out instead of ‘wasting’ food at home (just throw non-meat things into the garden/compost).

I feel bad for those people on the home makeover shows or those who win a raffle for something expensive not realizing that they might be stuck with some massive tax bills that they have to pay. They couldn’t afford their current living style and now they might actually lose what little home they did have because of new bills. I don’t know if shows or raffles explains these things or not.

Dad taught that a check or credit card were essentially the same in concept. You don’t write a check if they money isn’t already in the bank and you don’t charge something unless you have the money or it really will be there when the bill needs to be paid. And it isn’t the minimum balance that needs to be paid, but the whole bill.

I’ve seen someone’s credit card statement (shown to me), the amount they still owe, and the time to pay it off with the minimums. That’s a long time and a lot of money.

I don’t know what it will take or even if ‘we’ will ever become more responsible for our own actions. I’m not talking business/corporate as they seem to be immune to many of their mistakes but as individuals honor seems to be missing more often.

Time to get back to cleaning and to increasing the things in the donation pile. Less sometimes is more.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

Agapeopsis

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Thanatos – death

Agápe – true love, not eros or philia

Opsis – sight

Thanatopsis, translated as meditation on death. The title of a poem by Bryant

Agapeopsis, meditation on true love?

Yup. That’s right. That’s my word. The dictionary people can’t hog them all. I’ve checked google and bing. If it doesn’t show up on a search it much not exist in the world. So I’ve now created it.

So what am I talking about.

True love right? Of course you and I already know everything there is about this. What was that? You fell off the chair while spewing your drink out of your nose. Wear a harness next time. Perhaps we don’t know as much as we thought. And I probably understand even less than that.

Getting back into the dating scene I’ve rejoined online sites and they all seem to want to know about past loves and how many times in love and do you want love. The more I think about it, the less I think I even know. For the longest time I would answer “Yes, I’ve been in love. I want love. I love falling in love.” With my ex Natalie I thought I had it all. The moment and I mean that literally, I saw her at my door I fell for her. Done and done. She had heard I didn’t have a blanket and it was going to be cold. She brought me her extra. Seriously. How awesome. And while I’ve heard otherwise from people, I think she was smoking hot. I remember times I told her I loved her. I would hope she would say the same back. Ups and downs for almost two years. Joyous highs and painful lows. Together and broken up and together again. With all my love I even spontaneously asked her to marry me at one point. I should have realized things were set to fail when after all our time together she couldn’t spell my last name. I digress.

But still, what is love? Is it physical? Our heart beats faster, flushing occurs, blood surges, leaving some parts and rushing to others parts of the body that might be umm needed sooner or later. The mind locks on target to that one person. But that’s just for our partner. I remember full well just how stupid I could become when I was with her. We have powerful chemicals that roll around our brains, neurons firing like crazy. Crazy like our emotions can be and powerful the way it can push aside logical rational thinking.

You also love your siblings and your children and parents and some people love possessions and non-live material items. I was going to say inanimate, but technology already changed that one. We’re supposed to love all these people right? Isn’t it an instinct? Then why do people beat their children, hate their siblings and wish to leave their wonderful loving family as soon as they can get some shoes on, maybe even before that.

In loving, we want good for someone. We want them to succeed and prosper. We want to provide a better future to them than we had ourselves. If you are jealous of the sibling that had a chance and took it and prospered, do you really love them? If you envy their possessions or life, that isn’t love to me.

We see love in the proud parent that never finished middle school now seeing their child graduate college. The joy and flow of emotions and tears can be overwhelming not just for them, but as well for those of us watching them. It’s palpable. It’s visceral. To the core we might be moved. What about the parent that is thinking how wonderful it is now that their child has finished college that they will be able to get a good job and have a good life so they can take care of the parents when they get older. That sounds selfish to me.

Love seems like a balancing act. One moment you want good for someone, the next you want to be the one going on the vacation that they are going on and cursing them for not taking you. They left you with a crappy life, a horrible spouse, rotten screaming kids and massive bills. If you are trying to fill a void within yourself, try at the basic level of filling it with love of yourself.

How about this idea. One that I’ve cultivated in myself and hope others agree with as well.

Love is an extension of our self.

That’s it.

Really. That’s it.

When I think about those that I choose to love I have what I think is a central theme.

We sacrifice our wants and needs for another.

The sacrifice? Could it be this simple?

The parent seeing their child finish something, sacrificed their self to further their child. Maybe it was not being home much to earn a living and feeling guilty you weren’t around often.

Seeing your parent overcome an obstacle they were facing because you sacrificed your time and energy to help them.

Staying up late or getting up early to make dinner and breakfast for the love your life because they have a job interview or presentation they are nervous about.

Who can say what is a small or large sacrifice.

One hour of sleep gone while you drive around searching for the craving of your pregnant wife.

Holding the hair of your girlfriend as she pukes her guts into the toilet so she doesn’t get it dirty.

Working a thankless low paying job to put your son through college so he can have a better life than one you are living.

Finding yourself in a place in life where you can’t take care of yourself and you put your child up for adoption. With all the pain of leaving them and the joy in the dream that they will have a better life.

Maybe it’s because valentines was just around the corner and equally so for my own personal situation but this is a life lesson and a life struggle that has been present and will continue to be a part of me. I continue to believe that I’m not a good person but I try and be a nice person.

“When I love myself I sacrifice for me. When I love others I give of myself.” -Nirav 2/18/13 18:30

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

 

VD, not that kind or maybe it is

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What would today be without some of my words of wisdom…

As usual, unless you are fully happy being single, this is a day to be bombarded by media and family and friends with the idea that you are still single and why haven’t you produced any grandchildren. As I had been with someone recently I was fully looking forward to it this year. I had a surprise peri-Valentine’s Day day scheduled at Ten Thousand Waves (a japanese spa) that thankfully I was able to cancel and not lose any money. It’s more awesome probably than any other time of the year for me to think I would finally have someone for Valentine’s Day. You almost remember that you aren’t alone. But alas that was not to be.

One could argue that I should use this time to be bitter for not only not having someone for Valentine’s Day but for the way that it ended. But I actually think there are things that I have to thank her for and must continue to keep in mind now. Simply reinforcements of things that I’ve known on what I need and what I want and truthfully what everyone should really have. The thing that shocked me most at the end was the (simple) lack of communication and possible lies. One moment two people talking about the future and then the without warning that future is shut down.

I think many people would agree that during a relationship if the two people have been talking about their concerns and problems and it still ends, at least they did talk about them and tried and hopefully won’t be caught off guard at a sudden ending even if it doesn’t feel pleasant. All too often these days people choose not to effective in how they communicate with each other. Communication is dealt with through (in decreasing order) face-to-face interactions, phone conversations, emails, texts or in some unfortunate cases simply ignoring that there is an issue and walking away from it. At least I got an email even if there was no true explanation and I am still left wondering what happened. I have gotten the ignoring treatment as a breakup method in the past. Immature and possibly very cowardly in my opinion for anything other than face-to-face.

We generally take this as an opportunity to figure out (ie beat ourselves up) what we did to cause the end. How we screwed it up. However one must also accept the fact and idea that we did nothing wrong and nothing that we did or didn’t do could have changed the outcome. Sometimes it really is the other person that isn’t ready and not yourself. You must constantly keep that in mind. Don’t let something like this break your self-confidence. Remember you are worth it. We question ourselves. We question why we’re even in relationships. We wonder if we’re good enough for them. We wonder if we’re just not better alone.

As I said in my quote the other day, it’s not always necessarily the person that I miss but instead those feelings inside. That sense of belonging with someone. That connection with somebody. Being lost in their eyes and when they look back at you, you feel like the two of you are in your own world. The electricity with each touch. It’s those feelings that keep us coming back time after time, punishment after punishment.

Pain is interesting. Emotional pain and physical pain share special characteristics and we tend to forget that. If you cut yourself or someone steps on your toe you feel that physical pain. We don’t say that someone is making you feel that pain. It is your own. So why do we treat emotional pain differently? I also would argue that someone else also doesn’t make you feel that pain either. While not linked to sensory nerve conduction, it still hurts like crap inside. A visceral pain inside the chest. You think your heart is going to burst from pain. You also own this pain as well. It is yours to feel and manage. You get to choose if you want to be hurt or not in this case. Remember that next time. You are in control. They don’t control you.

Sex can also become a variable in a relationship. While there could be an argument about it being too soon in a relationship one of the biggest concerns that I would have in any relationship is that while it is an important part of a relationship for some people it should not be the most important part. If sex is the linchpin in the relationship, as the only thing holding it together, that relationship will probably fall apart. Constantly there must be communication. There must be open dialogue. These people must understand about each first before anything else.

*anyone have a suggestion for a symbol of communication. thinking about a microphone or airwaves for now*

As much cynicism as there is about Valentine’s Day in its commercial value, it can also be used sorta of like Thanksgiving as a reminder day. To keep in mind those people in our lives be they spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, parents, grandparents, children, whoever. There are always people to love in our lives. And we are loved by others, even when we forget about them. I could wish like many other holidays that people didn’t see the materialism behind this. The diamonds were not a part of this until the commercials arrived. The chocolates that melt and add calories, the flowers that wilt and die, the dinners that cost a tidy sum, the once a year sex or special sex and all the things that people expect again as a symbol of love when the symbol of love should simply be, Love.

Those three words said too often and often not enough can be quite powerful when said at the right moment. Telling somebody “I love you” has consequences. It should never be used as a weapon. It should never be used to buy you time. It should really be what it says, I. Love. You. No blog entry could be long enough to get into what love is. We each have our own version of what we think it might mean.

One thing that people should also keep in mind is not only should you be loving the other person but for your own sake try to remember and, especially if you’re single, take this opportunity and this day to love yourself. You should be number one in your life. What happens to you should matter. Your needs should be important. If you are starting to date someone making sure your needs are being addressed. That is also very important. While I find that I’m malleable in my likes and personality, if you are trying to change yourself fundamentally for the other person in a relationship I can’t imagine that it would actually last for the long-term. Your must have your needs addressed in the beginning otherwise how can you know the two of you will be good together. How can it last? Why not consider waiting till you been together long enough before you think about starting on compromising.

I close this with one quote.

“To thine own self be true.” – Polonius

-Santa’s Fallen Angel, waiting for Cupid’s arrow only if she gets the same one