Tag Archives: Philosophy

benefit of the doubt

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We hear this phrase often. We teach it to kids. It’s in the legal system. We give the defendant the benefit of the doubt, presume/assume a well intention/innocence before thinking it is a bad intention/guilty.

I keep hoping one day that this idea is actually taken to heart. I’m not talking about full blown naivety and trust everything that people say and do. We aren’t that enlightened. I think it’s fine to take someone at face value to start with and using questions, experience, or other evidence, get a better sense of what is going on. What I am saying is that why do we constantly presume that what was said or done was ill intentioned before even trying to see it another way? I think sometimes I live with my blinders on too much trying to see the good in people. I try but other people sure make it a lot harder to KEEP them on.

Now with a random person you play it by ear as above. You take what they say and you pass it through your filters. We do profile and stereotype people. We do it each and every day to each and every person we meet. But we can still keep an open mind.

This brings me to another thought. The people you know. I’m not talking about the people you see every so often or just say hello to. This is for the people you see outside of work. You call or text or email or go to events with. Those people are probably even friends.

So what bugs me and I have a hard time understanding is why those people, assuming you are worth trusting, will assume something you said or did was with malintention instead of stopping for a moment and saying, “hmm.. this person is usually nice. maybe i misunderstood something.” Of course this goes back to other posts and thoughts that in general people suck at communication. But now I wonder about these people and sometimes I feel really bad for them. Have they had a life and continue to have this life where maybe they can’t trust people? Where they were wronged so many times or so deeply that they choose to no longer want to see good?

Recently I asked someone that I thought trusted me if they were planning on coming to trivia again. I have a group of friends I go with frequently but we were going to be taking a break for a few weeks. This someone has been once. Just once but expressed an interest in coming back sometime. The following are my message and the response I got back.

ME:”honest question: are you ever planning on coming to trivia again? just asking to know if I should tell you when we aren’t going to be there.”

THEM:”Honest response: you don’t have to invite me to things if it is irritating.”

I didn’t think I had said something bad. And yes, while I do see that I could have worded it differently, I thought my intention, whatever their perception, was clear in what I did say. I didn’t want this person showing up and finding out we weren’t there. If others read this and think otherwise, I’d like to know. From my end the kicker is that I don’t think I ever treated this person badly before or lied or ever was intentionally rude. And although I tried to say these things, alas I have not heard back yet.

It does bother me thinking that this person’s first response was to assume I was irritated with them. I try and be open and honest with people and continue to realize people just aren’t able to handle it. Unfortunately, I have a hard time not being honest. You try and think good about others and you forget that other people may not think good things first.

I had a similar honesty situation also recently. (I have a lot of these in general by the way. I’m just pulling these two out.) There was a potential opportunity to catch up with someone and I voiced an honest concern. The immediate response back was a presumption that my honest thought was a recognition or perception of a problem instead of the actual statement I made of being aware that issues might come up.

Why and how to people go through life like this? This automatic assumption that people, including those people you know and hopefully trust, are meaning something bad when they talk to you. Do a certain degree I really don’t understand it. I’m actually trying to and it’s frustrating. If you try and keep an open mind about the possibilites in life, how do you then go about closing your mind? Like many people I know in my heart that there have been times I have been accused of something I didn’t do. We all know that pain inside, I hope. That idea that you know you didn’t do it or say it and now the situation is getting out of hand. Maybe at some point the truth surfaces and people try and apologize or make amends.

It’s that type of situation that SHOULD force people to try and keep an open mind afterwards. Maybe what you perceived as an angry or hurtful statement from the person you are communicating with didn’t really mean you thought. How much heartache could be saved if we just took a few moments to stop and ask what they really meant? That best friend of yours… the one you got angry with… if they are normally saying rude and mean things, then sure, they probably did again but if they are almost 100% of the time nice and pleasant and they said something you thought wasn’t nice and pleasant then I implore you to react in a new way.

STOP

DROP (THE CLOSE MINDED THOUGHT)

LISTEN (WITH AN OPEN MIND)

Those few seconds of pause might mean the difference between the real meaning of what they said and weeks of anger. I’m not saying they didn’t slip from 100% with their first mean words. They may have. But if you have that open mind added with your experience maybe they are going through some deep shit so bad that they lashed out. If you stopped for that pause and thought, “this isn’t like this person. maybe there is something else going on,” the world might start becoming a better place and you might start becoming a better person.

So no, I will probably not try and become close minded again. I will continue to try and stay open minded and honest to myself and others even when they don’t know what do with it. I will continue to hope they people won’t always look for a deeper meaning in honest/truthful statements. I will continue to stay frustrated not understanding why people (especially the ones I care about) will presume a negative meaning instead of pausing to review any past interactions to see if they make sense with what they know from before. I will continue to hope that one day one person will read one thing I’ve written and be changed for the better.

May we seek the divine within us to become more enlightened.

Namaste.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

 

shock and awe campaign

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this week has been such an incredible roller coaster ride. and i haven’t thrown up once.

the email break up monday and feeling lost in my own mind partially from the sense of betrayal from the lack of communication and the lack of closure.

the long hours at work trying to hold onto the idea of why i got into this.

wondering if happiness with someone else is out there or even matters anymore next to making sure i’m happy in my life.

Then remembering today the biggest and most important lesson i can think of at this time.

i am me.

i am tired of the games in relationships and in other aspects of life that people feel some sick and twisted need to play.

the chasing and all that bullshit. fuck that.

i will not be goaded again into feeling guilty. my soapbox still stands that we choose how to feel. you can not make me feel a certain way. and people have to start taking responsibility for their actions or i will let the consequences happen. if i offer to do something, i do not want but need and expect to be met at least half way. i will not carry the burden by myself. that’s a choice. that’s a reality. what was i thinking letting myself get walked over all this time. will it continue to be a character trait or as i see it now, a character flaw. i’m not talking about letting go of chivalry. just giving a damn about something more.

if the recommendation is to try and lose this nice guy person, congratulations. it’s working. this is not anger or bitterness. this is cold truth. i need to start meaning more to myself. i need to remember to be #1 in my own life and to be honest to myself about my life. why did i stop going to movies and restaurants by myself if there was no one around.

i feel more lost than ever but not emotionally from the breakup. this is straight up spiritual. who am i and what the hell do i want in life. i have been and always will me my harshest critic. it’s hard to feel beat up by someone when you can punish yourself this much. something that has served me well throughout my life. i think that’s why i love and crave feedback. i want to learn and grow. i want to better understand myself. perhaps that’s why i value honesty so much and become so upset and angry when others don’t. there is too much cowardice in people these days.

*yes claire, it’s time to put on the communication pin*

perhaps it’s time to starting attacking life more forcefully. stop being so passive and fight for myself. at home, at work, in relationships and just about any and every other part of life.

this sense of, i think, justice is feeling very cathartic. in my life i try and hold no regrets except for one that i chose to hold onto as a ‘learning moment’ to help guide future actions.  it was a moment of indecision brought on by my fear of what others thought and i potentially missed a pivotal moment in life to obtain something wonderful. my carpe diem moment that has haunted me. i think i just let it go to. after all these years, the act of letting that point in time go and stop using it as an anchor to the past feels freeing to me. i think i can take that next step forward.

the future is ahead. there is no stopping it. but instead of riding it passively like a wave, it’s time to try and forge ahead, pushing the boundaries, making myself uncomfortable at times while i try and discover who i need to become in this phase of my self-growth.

i’m on a campaign to take back control of my life and i ain’t taking no prisoners.

-step aside peter. Santa’s Fallen Angel is storming the gates of christmastown –

Honesty or the version that best looks like it

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Please feel free to leave comments. Something you say may just open up someone else’s mind, a gift that keeps giving.

Merriam Webster Definition of HONESTY

1 obsolete : chastity
2a: fairness and straightforwardness of conduct
2b: adherence to the facts : sincerity
3: any of a genus (Lunaria) of European herbs of the mustard family with toothed leaves and flat disk-shaped siliques

So today I will be talking about herbs of the mustard family and how we can eat things like dandelions and chia seeds to enhance our lives. Or maybe I’m not and will try 2a/2b since I’ve never eaten a dandelion and never even owned a chia pet or eaten chia seeds.

So. Honesty. The don’t lie to me version instead.

Why do we even lie to begin with? I know some of my reasons. An acceptable lie being “of course no one is at your house to scare the bejesus out of you for your birthday.” Another would be “nope. no one here pointing a gun at me. you should probably just leave anyway.” I think I would completely say those things and be just fine. The #1 reason though being Fear. Good ole’ fashion Fear. That’s right with a capital F (not capitol since this isn’t a building). The kind of fear like when you’re a med student/resident and you’re getting pimped and you’re so exhausted you can’t think straight and when you’re asked a question you just make up the answer. Ironically, while I’ve been accused of this as a resident, I never did it. I gave the best information I had with full knowledge that I didn’t know very much. No reason to lie. Even as a med student I didn’t need to. I think my years in EMS taught me a little more self-confidence in dealing with ‘doctors’. My first ED rotation as an intern got me an interesting evaluation with some of the attendings thinking that I was overconfident, probably not knowing my EMS background lending to my confidence and comfort in the ER. I digress.

Have I lied in fear before. You betcha. I used to worry a lot more about what people thought of me and what consequences would be based on x y and z. Fits the modern idea of Politics. That maneuvering we associate these days with backstabbing and lying and doing whatever it takes to get what you want even if it involves going back on the things you’ve just said you will do or believe in. What’s a little lie now if it gets you what you want. You can blame someone else later. Eventually I realized I didn’t really care so much. Just do what I’m doing the best that I can and if I can go home with a clear conscience and sleep well, I’m doing alright. Now don’t get some idea that life became better and angels started singing. They were probably laughing their asses off at me. Actually, do angels have asses? Do you crap in heaven? I don’t remember that being addressed in the bible. Squirrel! (for those of you that get the joke)

I wonder if I’ve just offended anyone? Those were honest questions weren’t they? Brings up the notion of ‘too honest’ as I hear it. Truth is truth isn’t it? How could it be more truthful? We’re not talking about a white lie or lie of omission.

Anyway, these days most people who know me know that I just answer the question if you ask it. You might really hate the answer so you have to be very careful asking it. They answer might also be, “None of your damn business”. That’s still an answer in my book. You really want to know how you look in those jeans or just want someone to lie to you and stroke your ego? I’ll tell you if they are too small… if you ask me. Maybe too honest would be just offering my opinion without being asked. Food for thought.

What do I have to fear in life right now that I need to worry about the need of a lie? I’m single and have no real ties to anything. Am I worried I might get fired? Not really. I can go back to Locums or move and find a new job. Onto the next instance.

How many times in a relationship, the couple type, has there been a problem because someone just didn’t tell the truth. Isn’t the basic mantra that the media portrays is to tell the truth. Be honest. Don’t lie to loved ones. But how many people really want the truth? No seriously. You ask for it. You say you want someone to tell you like it is. But when someone does you get really upset and that “you hurt my feelings.” You’re right. I took my mechanical pencil and stabbed you in the feelings. I think it’s located about 2 cm above and 1 cm to the right of the belly button. Or I used my jedi/ninja mind control abilities and made you feel something you didn’t want to or these weren’t the right droids. Perhaps you chose to feel the way you wanted to feel. You chose to become hurt. I’ve said her name before. Check her out. Pema Chodron. It won’t be the last.

We interpret what people say to us and we choose how we want to react to said people. When I say something that pisses someone off from something misinterpreted, the first thing I usually ask them, if they are still even listening, is if it is something they would think I would do or say. If the answer is yes. Game over. Nothing will work at that point. But if the answer is no then I simply ask you to reevaluate what you thought and your response and see where it is coming from inside of you. There are plenty of times we may snap at someone because we had one really shitty day (or a string of them) and we just lost it in that moment. I’ve done it and you’ve done it. That’s reality. Now flip that thought. Someone just snapped at you and tried to take a big fuckin’ chunk out of your ass. Do you choose to get pissed right back for that small sliver in time you just went through or do you wonder if they had a really shitty day and just lost it in that moment and give them the smallest chance that they didn’t mean it. Once again, don’t take this too far. I’m not Jesus. I don’t always turn the other cheek. Once may be an accident, more is probably a habit. Also, there are gradations in life. Stress and worrying are relatives in the scheme of things. For the most part I don’t worry that the bus is going to explode or someone is going to suicide bomb in my grocery store. I don’t worry about shellings or being assassinated. I generally don’t worry about my skin color or citizenship. I have food. I have clothing. I have shelter. And I have companionship on those days I want it. My stress and worrying just don’t really even tip the scales from a global perspective.

Well, I’ve gotten off topic but that’s a good thing. It reminds me that I need to get to sleep. So good night.

Yours Truly,

Santa’s Fallen Angel