Tag Archives: Social Sciences

benefit of the doubt

by

3

We hear this phrase often. We teach it to kids. It’s in the legal system. We give the defendant the benefit of the doubt, presume/assume a well intention/innocence before thinking it is a bad intention/guilty.

I keep hoping one day that this idea is actually taken to heart. I’m not talking about full blown naivety and trust everything that people say and do. We aren’t that enlightened. I think it’s fine to take someone at face value to start with and using questions, experience, or other evidence, get a better sense of what is going on. What I am saying is that why do we constantly presume that what was said or done was ill intentioned before even trying to see it another way? I think sometimes I live with my blinders on too much trying to see the good in people. I try but other people sure make it a lot harder to KEEP them on.

Now with a random person you play it by ear as above. You take what they say and you pass it through your filters. We do profile and stereotype people. We do it each and every day to each and every person we meet. But we can still keep an open mind.

This brings me to another thought. The people you know. I’m not talking about the people you see every so often or just say hello to. This is for the people you see outside of work. You call or text or email or go to events with. Those people are probably even friends.

So what bugs me and I have a hard time understanding is why those people, assuming you are worth trusting, will assume something you said or did was with malintention instead of stopping for a moment and saying, “hmm.. this person is usually nice. maybe i misunderstood something.” Of course this goes back to other posts and thoughts that in general people suck at communication. But now I wonder about these people and sometimes I feel really bad for them. Have they had a life and continue to have this life where maybe they can’t trust people? Where they were wronged so many times or so deeply that they choose to no longer want to see good?

Recently I asked someone that I thought trusted me if they were planning on coming to trivia again. I have a group of friends I go with frequently but we were going to be taking a break for a few weeks. This someone has been once. Just once but expressed an interest in coming back sometime. The following are my message and the response I got back.

ME:”honest question: are you ever planning on coming to trivia again? just asking to know if I should tell you when we aren’t going to be there.”

THEM:”Honest response: you don’t have to invite me to things if it is irritating.”

I didn’t think I had said something bad. And yes, while I do see that I could have worded it differently, I thought my intention, whatever their perception, was clear in what I did say. I didn’t want this person showing up and finding out we weren’t there. If others read this and think otherwise, I’d like to know. From my end the kicker is that I don’t think I ever treated this person badly before or lied or ever was intentionally rude. And although I tried to say these things, alas I have not heard back yet.

It does bother me thinking that this person’s first response was to assume I was irritated with them. I try and be open and honest with people and continue to realize people just aren’t able to handle it. Unfortunately, I have a hard time not being honest. You try and think good about others and you forget that other people may not think good things first.

I had a similar honesty situation also recently. (I have a lot of these in general by the way. I’m just pulling these two out.) There was a potential opportunity to catch up with someone and I voiced an honest concern. The immediate response back was a presumption that my honest thought was a recognition or perception of a problem instead of the actual statement I made of being aware that issues might come up.

Why and how to people go through life like this? This automatic assumption that people, including those people you know and hopefully trust, are meaning something bad when they talk to you. Do a certain degree I really don’t understand it. I’m actually trying to and it’s frustrating. If you try and keep an open mind about the possibilites in life, how do you then go about closing your mind? Like many people I know in my heart that there have been times I have been accused of something I didn’t do. We all know that pain inside, I hope. That idea that you know you didn’t do it or say it and now the situation is getting out of hand. Maybe at some point the truth surfaces and people try and apologize or make amends.

It’s that type of situation that SHOULD force people to try and keep an open mind afterwards. Maybe what you perceived as an angry or hurtful statement from the person you are communicating with didn’t really mean you thought. How much heartache could be saved if we just took a few moments to stop and ask what they really meant? That best friend of yours… the one you got angry with… if they are normally saying rude and mean things, then sure, they probably did again but if they are almost 100% of the time nice and pleasant and they said something you thought wasn’t nice and pleasant then I implore you to react in a new way.

STOP

DROP (THE CLOSE MINDED THOUGHT)

LISTEN (WITH AN OPEN MIND)

Those few seconds of pause might mean the difference between the real meaning of what they said and weeks of anger. I’m not saying they didn’t slip from 100% with their first mean words. They may have. But if you have that open mind added with your experience maybe they are going through some deep shit so bad that they lashed out. If you stopped for that pause and thought, “this isn’t like this person. maybe there is something else going on,” the world might start becoming a better place and you might start becoming a better person.

So no, I will probably not try and become close minded again. I will continue to try and stay open minded and honest to myself and others even when they don’t know what do with it. I will continue to hope they people won’t always look for a deeper meaning in honest/truthful statements. I will continue to stay frustrated not understanding why people (especially the ones I care about) will presume a negative meaning instead of pausing to review any past interactions to see if they make sense with what they know from before. I will continue to hope that one day one person will read one thing I’ve written and be changed for the better.

May we seek the divine within us to become more enlightened.

Namaste.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

 

In the end the turkey still loses

by

0

Why the following has latched onto my brain I don’t know, but I feel like this is leading to some great epiphany or a great madness. Either could be a fun ride.

Stuffing. Such a simple word. Yet it can mean three different things.

The act, the food, the stuff in objects.

Here we go. I am stuffing the stuffing into the turkey. I am stuffing the stuffing into the cushion.

Language is so interesting sometimes when I actually pay attention to it as I use it but really when I hear or read it from someone else. I have a facebook friend that chooses to write in what seems like a foreign twisted version of the english language. The thing is I can actually understand what she writes, mostly. Even though I had never seen those letters combined in such a way, they mostly made sense. I’m perplexed. I don’t know why I’m perplexed but I am.

Isn’t that somewhat how language works?

You start making your own sounds and hearing from others and you watch people talking and you watch those lip movements. You then start to mimic these. You get feedback and repetition. Then the dreaded alphabet. We have it lucky. If my random knowledge holds, I think the Chinese language has about 10,000 characters. Right? We have 26 to use to make words. 10,000! I think my brain just had a seizure. I can’t imagine someone knowing all of the characters AND the words they make up. But I’m sure they need to know more than 26 characters.

It’s still interesting that the English/American language (I don’t say footpath) is still considered a complicated language. I do get it. I read (present tense) things from people who live here that can’t use basic language skills. Like college level people who are still working on writing a complete sentence and paragraph. Not to say I don’t make mistakes when I write. I do. I also take liberties with the language. I don’t always write complete sentences.

If you get a chance to talk to someone who wasn’t born here or had a very proper education you can immediately tell the difference. The spelling and grammar are usually spot on. Unfortunately maybe because we don’t write so good it can seem mechanical and too precise. Like the way most real-life animated creatures are obviously fake and we’re ok with that but those animated creatures that are getting closer to acting/looking like humans just creep us out. They are on the edge but just not good enough yet. We can still spot the difference.

Getting back…

After the alphabet, we work on combining them into things we call words. C. A. T. = ?

It’s ok if you missed that one. Everyone needs a goal to strive for. But it’s not just how you put those letters together. It’s the other words around it that can give it meaning and how to pronounce it. I have read (red) it. I will read (reed) it. Then there are the words that sound alike. I will right the problems when I write about rites. This is a quintuple doozy since right and write and rite sound alike and right can be to correct, the direction, and a claim. You read the sentence and if you know of the rules you can understand what it means. It’s the rules and the corollaries to the rules and the exceptions to the rules and the exceptions to the exceptions (I made this last one up), that confuse the crap out of people who trying to figure out the language. A perverse reason I wish we could read and write american better as a country.

As this year progresses ponder on the nature of the word and be thankful at thanksgiving that we can communicate. And as I said, in the end the turkey still loses, unless it’s tofurkey.

Yeah I know, I stretched at the end to bring it back to the title. I can’t say it deviated from the intent since this one grew as I put thought to electron.

Hoping for a more educated world.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

Choices

by

2

What an interesting dilemma life can be sometimes.

I would argue that unless we are under mind control or some alternate personality, EVERY decision we make is our own. I’ve talked about not saying sorry and such and this falls in the same idea.

Some of us go to work, do the work, go home, plus/minus family to deal with, rinse and repeat.

Do we want to be doing this? Why not just leave your family and be back on your own again? (and yes, some people do this).

I once read an idea that I’m sure to butcher while I’m trying to remember it… A man goes to work and at the end of the day wants to go and get a drink but he remembers that his kid needs (insert item) and at that is the crux. What to do? What choice is made. Does he take the one road and get the drink or save the money and just go home. It might seem to be an easy choice but is it really? Can they be equally good choices? Pause in the reading to think about what you would choose for this man. What would you choose for your self. Have you weighed other thoughts and possible consequences? While I’m not advocating using alcohol as a crutch who hasn’t had that kind of day where you come home and that beer or glass of wine just helps you relax and better appreciate your life.

Getting back on track. How do we make the choices when we are faced with them? I wish I knew or understood it sometimes. Why do people stick with jobs they don’t like? Shouldn’t it be ‘simple’ to find that niche in the world where you are happy? For some, maybe the money is the factor and they stick around just for that. Family so you don’t have to move and pull your kids out of school mid year?

Time for some self-contemplative thinking of what’s good for me vs. what’s good for the people in my life.

Climbing up might seem like a good choice to approach something but you still have something of a safety net in climbing down. Sometimes we need to jump off the cliff like a baby bird being tossed out of the nest. Sink or swim baby, sink or swim.

Santa’s Fallen Angel thinks about this often. Hopefully when I grow up, I’ll know what I should be doing. I didn’t lose my wings I just choose not to use them to fly. Why? I guess that’s just my choice.

Back to introspection and bouncing around my hobbies,

Santa’s Fallen Angel